Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” said his wife.

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “Honey — I… I… promise. I didn’t pinch that girl.”

His wife smiled and said consolingly, “Of course you didn’t, sweetheart. I did.”.

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.

He asked, “Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport?”

“No. I just play bridge with my wife.”

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated , embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

From the rear of the plane, a man in the uniform of an Air Force General walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile and nod at the General with gestures of thanks as he slowly makes his way back to his seat.

One of the cabin attendants approaches the General. “Excuse me, Sir,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the door on any flight.”

As Marjorie left the grocery store, she noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

“I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one condition,” she said to the boys. “You eat it for me.”

True to her word, Marjorie bought one and handed the candy back to the boy.

He shook his head. “I can’t,” he said.

“Why not?”

Looking her directly in the eye, he responded gravely, “I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers.”

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks. A lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”.

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

“There are many planes coming!” he promptly radioed back.

“Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently.

The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”.

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but since only one of us can take him home we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was complete silence for about a minute while the boys all looked at each other and lowered their heads. Just as the Reverend began to think he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and handed him the leash. “Alright, reverend,” he said, “You win. You can take him home.”.