An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
“My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?”
“Yes,” said the Navy brat.
“My dad has built them.”
Then the naval kid spoke: “And do you know the Dead Sea?”
“Yes.”
“It’s my dad who’s killed it!”
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn’t realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
“Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.”
# Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
# Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
# Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
# Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
# The haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.
# The mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways is being saved to stuff handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
# If company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
16. Clean up mess.
17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” soon.
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don’t you?
They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, “My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank.” The second boy said, “That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!” The third boy said, “That’s nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!”
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets money, a car, and three college credit hours for it!
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards!
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
In a classroom pupils were asked to always write in silence. One day the teacher dozed off and was awakened by some of the pupils making noise. To cover her embarrassment she said, “It was always my wish to meet the scholar Plato and, a while ago, I did see him in my dream.”
The next day a pupil dozed off while listening to the teacher’s long lecture.
Upon seeing the sleeping child, the teacher woke him up and rebuked him. “Why are you sleeping during the lecture?”
The pupil answered, “I also went to see the scholar Plato.”
The teacher asked, “And what did Plato say?”, to which the pupil replied, “Plato said he did not meet with you yesterday.”