Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can’t change light bulbs… Without light, they can’t read the manual, and without the manual, they can’t figure out how to change the light bulb.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn’t broken. Let’s try it again.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees…

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least a dozen, but it’s impossible to tell which one it is, because they’re all pointing at each other going “That’s me, over there !”

Q: How many Bill Gates’ (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. Bones to say “Its dead Jim”, Uhura to send a distress signal, Sulu to listen to Chekov saying “Light bulbs vere really an old russian invention”, Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?’

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’

It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies.

Alice was feeling romantic. ‘Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?’ she crooned.

‘Why not?’ Al grunted. ‘Didn’t I love you through four other shades?’

A husband and wife were expecting their newborn baby boy.

“We will name him Jacob after me,” said the husband.

“No, I want to name him Taylor,” said the wife.

“Taylor is a girls name”, the disappointed husband replied.

“No it’s not”, replied the wife. ”

I don’t want my son to be named after a female country singer,” shouted the husband.

“Fine” said the wife.

The soon to be dad smiled and said “I can’t wait to play football with him and watch NASCAR”.

The mom smiled and said, “I don’t think you have to wait must longer… my water just broke!!!”

So, they rushed to the hospital and soon the baby was being delivered. The husband and wife were so excited.

As the baby popped out the dad said, “Jacob you are gonna be a star!!!”

The the doctors laid the baby on its mommy’s belly and said, “Congratulations, its a new baby girl”!!!

“Well Taylor it is”, laughed the mom.

Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, “It had to be at least 8 characters long.

“Times were hard in Russia after the cold war, but there was determined young man who wanted to buy a new car. He saved for many years until he had just the right amount. Immediately, he went to the car dealer and said, ‘I want to buy a new car!’ ‘That’s good,’ replied the car dealer. We will get a car for you soon. Come back here in eight years and three months … we’ll have your car.’ The man replied, ‘Will that be morning or afternoon?’ The car dealer was surprised. ‘Does it really matter?’ he asked. ‘Yes,’ the man said, ‘it really matters. The plumber promised me that he would come that day too.’”

As a pastor was visiting an elderly lady in the hospital he noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed. He began to nibble the peanuts as they visited and by the end of the visit realized he had consumed the entire bowl. Feeling badly he bought a bag and brought them to her the next day. As he gave them to her he explained they were to replace those he’d eaten the day before. “Why you didn’t need to do that Pastor”, the lady explained. “The thing is, I don’t have any teeth, so when my nephew brings me chocolate-covered peanuts. Well, I just suck the chocolate off and spit the peanuts in the bowl.”