Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn’t the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, “No”.

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, “My wife use to love to come to these games until she died.”

“Why didn’t you give this seat away to a friend?” I asked.

He replied, “Because they are all at her funeral.”

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.

”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”

”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”

“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”

“That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”

Q: How many letters are there in the alphabet?

A: Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

Q: What do you call Santa’s Helpers?

A: Subordinate clauses!

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

“There are 2 O’s in Bob, right?”

“We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”

“Sorry, no ship for you. Your chest will only hold a rowboat.”

“That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Clementine.”

“Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”

“Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”

“You almost can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”

“The flag’s all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”

“Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.”

“Ooooooops!”

A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife.

She whispers, “I think there’s a thief in the house.”

“Yes, dear,” her half-awake husband mumbles. “But in our defense, there are even more in the Senate.”

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some very expensive Napoleon brandy.

He summoned the headwaiter. “Do you recall,” he asked pleasantly, “how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn’t pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?”

“I’m very sorry sir.” began the contrite headwaiter.

“Oh, it’s quite all right.” said the guest, “but I’m afraid I’ll have to trouble you again…”