Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ”Welcome to heaven, my son.”

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, ”but you have to leave in two days.”

1. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

2. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

3. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

4. A writer must not shift your point of view.

5. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

6. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

7. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

8. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

9. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

10. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

1 Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

2. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

3. Always pick on the correct idiom.

4. The adverb always follows the verb.

5. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

OLD WANTS never die, they become needs

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down

OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever

OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged

OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed

OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

WALT DISNEY didn’t die, he’s in suspended animation

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, — but their future is doubtful

One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha — Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they’ll probably dock your flight pay.

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s you’re name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The balcony.”