Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?”

“What did he say? What’s he want?”

His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear.”

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “Honey — I… I… promise. I didn’t pinch that girl.”

His wife smiled and said consolingly, “Of course you didn’t, sweetheart. I did.”.

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.

“Cash, check or charge?” She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a television remote control in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” The cashier asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the best retaliation.”.

A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants were unhurt, but stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

“I know,” said the manager. “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we’ll be on our way.”

“No,” said the hardware engineer. “I’ve got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we’ll be on our way.”

“Wait,” said the software engineer. “Before we do anything, shouldn’t we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?”

A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

“Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?”

“You’re in a helicopter,” she replies.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

“That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from that woman’s answer where you were?”

“Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.

So I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”.

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane’s engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. “Make me feel like a woman again!” she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. “Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this.”

A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers’ convention. When hi lined up his subjects, he got them to look their best by shouting, “OK, everyone say, ‘Fees!”

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ””What is 2+2?”” The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ””4.””

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ”4.0.”

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ””What do you want it to be?””