Responding to an alarm going off in a hockey rink, the police found an intoxicated man trying to operate the Zamboni. He had crashed it into a wall. He had also operated two fork lifts, damaging the walls, sprinkler system and hockey net.
He was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, violation of his bail conditions and drunk driving.
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he asked.
“He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years oder than I am.”
“Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’t you say?”
Q. What do a hurricane, a
tornado, and
a
redneck divorce all have in common?
A. Someone’s going to
lose their trailer…
Miss DeAngelo was a
none-too-bright young
woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming a star.
She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter
plenty of men
willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found
herself
called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the
stand, the lawyer came forward.
“Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the
defendant has identified you as the
‘other woman’ in her husband’s
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this
Mr. Evans?”
“Well, yes,” acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff,
“but I
couldn’t help it.”
“Couldn’t help it?” asked the lawyer
derisively. “How’s that?”
“Mr. Evans deceived me.” “Exactly what
do you mean?”
“See, when we signed in,” she explained, “he told the
motel clerk I
was his wife.”
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce
ended up
in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won,
the dog bit
him.
Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
Ruby Alice walked up to
the desk of a
Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the
letter “O.”
“Why’d you put that circle down?” asked the clerk.
“Cause Ah
can’t write,” replied the girl.
“Why don’t you sign with an
‘X’?” asked the man.
“Ah used to,” she answered. “But when Ah
got me a divorce, Ah took
back mah maiden name!”
Ralph was driving home one evening and
realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a
present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked
the
store manager, “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”
The Manager replied, “Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for
$19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the
Nightclub
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.”
“Why
is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
$19.95?!?”,
Ralph asked surprised.
The Manager replies, “Well, Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken’s car,
Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog,
Ken’s cat and Ken’s
furniture.”
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New
York and says, “I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man
says “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like
hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of
this.” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
“You are
NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get
there. I’m
calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there
tomorrow. Until then,
don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif
e. “Okay,”
he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them
for Christmas?”
A married couple is driving down the
interstate doing
55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks
over at him and
says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years,
but, I want a
divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly
increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to
try to talk me out of it, because
I’ve been having an affair with
your best friend, and he’s a better
lover than you.”
Again
the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his
hands
on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband
speeds up, and now is
doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the
kids too.” The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until
he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit
cards too.” The husband slowly starts to
veer toward a bridge overpass
piling, as she says, “Is there an
ything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything
I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The
husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve
got the
airbag!”