Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

One day a dwarf is sitting in his local pub when suddenly a thug walks in and strikes him on his head with his hand and says “thats a chop from ju-jitsu!”

The next day the dwarfs in the bar again hoping the same won’t happen again when the thug strode in again and jabs him in the stomach.” I learnt how to do that at boxing club! stupid dwarf!”

That’s it thought the dwarf I’m not taking this anymore. So, the next day when the thug was sitting at the bar the dwarf walked in and hits him so hard his head started to bleed.”Where’d you learn that? asked the thug.

“Well to begin with you chopped me on the head with a chop you learned at ju-jutsi and then you jabbed me like you would in boxing and then I hit you with a crowbar from halfords!”

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, “Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
“The guy says, “Buddy, I’m six feet, 210 pounds, an’ ma name’s Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there’s Bubba. He’s 225 pounds of solid muscle and he’s a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike’s a trucker who weighs 295 and he’s a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?”The fella says, “Naw, you’re right. . . I’d hate to have to explain it three times!”

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Where do Martians drink beer
?
At a mars bar !

An angry wife was
complaining
about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night
he
took her along.
“What’ll ya have?” he asked.
“Oh, I
don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.
So the husband
ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in
one
gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately

spit it out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered. “I don’t

know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried
the husband. “And you think I’m out
enjoying myself every
night!”

What happened when the
barman died?
The police held an inn-quest

The local bar was so sure
that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a
standing $1000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.)
but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man
came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and
said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like
to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a

lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind

to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartend
er paid the $1000, and asked the
little man “what do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weight-lifter, or what?”

The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”