Funny Jokes at Jokes Village

It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn’t exactly care where he spit.

A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.

Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.

The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.

Responding to an alarm going off in a hockey rink, the police found an intoxicated man trying to operate the Zamboni. He had crashed it into a wall. He had also operated two fork lifts, damaging the walls, sprinkler system and hockey net.

He was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, violation of his bail conditions and drunk driving.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.

“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget it for now. It’s dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we’ll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted, “you have to eat! We’ll get back to the wagon soon.”

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish.” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”.

After losing another tooth, eight-year-old Timmy became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes, I am.”

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well. But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”.

1. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
8. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
10. He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a response pinned to his collar: “We have ten children - he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

1. He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
7. He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
8. It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
9. The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
10. He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity.

Well, I’ll see you in my dreams — if I eat too much.

Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.

I’ll never forget the first time we met — although, I’ll keep trying.

You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you’ll do.

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”